Dear lovely little blog readers. I ended up walking a bit too but I was fine with that. I was walking back to my car and I just fucking lost it. This is my purpose. She is so lucky to have him as her Godfather, to love and look after her. I took Becca and Stacy there today. I miss you. Cancer was everywhere in your body, but you didnt act like it. on Dear Grief/Pregancy, You will NOT kill mysoul. I was in the hospital and I had this baby of ours. I of course chopped it up to nerves. I have had to regroup from that blow and go back to square one. My days are so consumed with trying to be the best mama to your brothers and sister. I woke up around midnight, your daddy still gone. I have a ways to go. To feel everything I know I am going to be feeling. She is a hard core vegetarian and has been so for over 20 years. Thank you, Ronan. All of this is way much for one person to handle. Ummmm ouch!!! I miss you. https://kjzz.org/content/1737378/you-were-my-best-4-years-scottsdale-mom-reflects-taylor-swifts-rerelease-ronan?fbclid=IwAR0enkIGpunEZ1qheo1ngCebWs7VHK59S0wR3YE7pVWlQJaviWYlMFquNSk. I dont know if things will ever be alright, Ronan. I'm on my way home, and then I'm getting on a flight. Im afraid this is the best it is going to get. You are alone. I love that so much. Things like this dont happen in real life, right? The way I run myself ragged, Im surprised it took this long. Even if we name her something else, she will be called Poppy as a nickname. Up, showered, packed, Starbucks, hit the road, lets get outta this big city. We also know some changes are going to have to come, in order to start raising the serious about of money, that we want to raise. Mr. Sparkly Eyes: Why do you sound like that? A few hours later, I got the news. I poked my head up out of bed to get a peek at your daddy who was stripping sheets, washing blankets, and tending to your brothers. They are so not cool with it. I know he is connected to your soul and you are to his. Everything around here is really calm and peaceful. I was listening to, I cried when I ran over to the mall looking for a very specific gift which I could not find, I cried when I went over to the baby girl section and tried to look at the clothes. After the Lacrosse game, we all went to lunch. I, of course, look for you on every field and on every team. Im just sorry it fucking has to be this way. Its all I can do just to survive it. Mr. Sparkly Eyes - Page 3 - ROCKSTAR RONAN It makes me feel happy. I have the best doctor I know in Omaha at the ER waiting for you. I just sat and cried into the phone. Its my pretend world and I can live in it if I want to. Sometimes it makes me cry, sometimes it makes me smile, it always makes me miss you with everything that I am. We went to dinner in this big city last night. He told me to please go and get it done. Grief, reality, Inferno Fuckwad Bob, were all there waiting for me. I cannot imagine what that must feel like for you. on Only Eddie Vedder could drink wine on a stage and make it lookbadass. Certainly not this nowhere of crying myself to sleep because I am so sad I got to do none of those things with you today. That is about the best I can do. Its bullshit and something no parent should ever have to experience. They urged me to go. Healthy and living and there should be nothing to complain about, ever. Then I usually come back home, do a few things, but fall back into a coma like sleep for a few hours. This baby girl is going to be the most loved little baby girl in the world. Ro and Mr. Sparkly Eyes tonight. I gave into it. Its early in the day around 5 a.m. As much as I hated to tell him this on the phone because he is in Vegas, there was NO way I couldnt tell him. I know for a fact that you would be playing all the sports that your brothers are and dominating in every way. "My darling. Running on the beach. You are back now so please just take these next few days to just stop. I feel myself slipping into my alone place, not wanting to connect with anyone. Its too much, especially at this point in your life., Me: But I always do these things alone. The devil was kind of fun to dance with. I did my best all week to do the normal mom things that I have to do to run our house. Nothing helps. 2 years without you and Im sitting here scratching my head saying how can that be? I dont know whats going on. Simple words that go such a long way. I think that is pretty good, considering our circumstances. I let you think you were being naughty, just to make you giggle and to let you feel like you were breaking the rules. Thanks as always for your love and support. I felt a wave of goodness wash over me. Kass. I will be just as happy if this is a boy, too. on A city where the happy is too loud so lets go away to the coldbeach, Not a life full of beauty but one full of beautiful momentsinstead, From what I can see here, it looks like you are having a baby. I told them it was o.k. I love you to the moon and back, baby doll. Ive been trying to get us all ready for our second Christmas, without you. I think this is all for tonight, Ronan. It actually felt good. Im o.k. Thats what landed me in bed and somehow sucked me into the land of reality television which is so far from reality that it makes me want to barf. 4,586 views. I know what part of our connection is. Kind of broke my heart, to be in it, without you. Posted on December 1, 2021 Categories Uncategorized Tags All good things are wild and free, bereaved parents, Cancer, childhood cancer, Childhood Disease, doctors, Family, Grief, Health, honesty, maya thompson, Mr. Sparkly Eyes, Music, Neuroblastoma, raw, reality, Rockstar Ronan, Ronan, ronan thompson, sadness, strength, Taylor Swift, tears . Rissy Girl. Because they never gave up on the you and me part of this. That is actually a big fat lie. I feel that way about everyone who hears about you. My internal clock has been waking me up at about 2 a.m. for months now. I love you. Mr. Sparkly Eyes called. It felt like it today. I cant do that to myself, no matter how awful I am feeling. Thanks for writing them. I am blaming it on my old age;) 34 feels a lot different from being pregnant at 25 and 29. I never have and never will. You were just so happy being home with all of us. Like you are missing and not actually dead. You will never hear me complain about fevers, strep throat, throwing up, etc Those things to me, are blessings. Liam chimed in, too. I dont do well with them. So we talked a lot about your foundation and a few other top-secret things I have in the works. There is a missing layer to all of this and it is only something that Dr. Badass JoRo can deliver. He was my best friend, the love of my life.. this cant be real. Please. I dont function well in a bullshit and pretending world. I leave soon. I threw off my clothes, washed my face, and curled up in your bed. Please keep all the other people out there, who may be going through a hard time, in your thoughts. We shall see, right Ro baby. So, lets keep watching and learning more Ronan. Who am I kidding. Please rest. This extreme fatigue and nausea, are mentally beating me down. I wouldnt have needed to say much as your eyes say it all. Fuck. I think in the back of my mind a small part of me thought that I am selfishly doing everything I am doing in this world, for myself. How could it be with your sweet sister snuggled up to me? She helped me get through the day. I took everything she said to heart and appreciated her willingnessto be so open and honest with me. I also got to see a good friend of mine, Kristi, and it is always fun to spend some time with her. I will get through it the best I can, just like I did last year. I sent your Mr. Sparkly Eyes a text. Throwing you into a warm bath where I would make sure you felt safe, clean, loved and warm. Bring on the pies now. I am doing all I can on this end, to help spread the awareness. Star became known to a wider audience as contestant on the CBS reality TV show Rock Star: Supernova in 2006. Ill bet you are the WORST sick patient ever. Yes, it is wrong. No. Even on my darkest of days, when nobody knew what to do with me, they stood by me. Please let him be one of the reasons that you will work harder. I dont have a clue as to how I am going to feel, once she arrives. Or so the outside world seems to think. Im begging your daddy to go and get me a pie from the store. I went down to his office. I wish I could tell you it tasted as amazing as I remembered it with you, but of course it didnt. I am surviving, just like the Poppy flower. As long as I get to see it through them. To feel sad. Buildings, roads, trees and natural life is simply disappeared. I had a little secret very important meeting today. We both ache for our children so badly that it makes every single bone in our bodies throb with pain. I am tired of being tired and Im going to fight through this as hard as I can. I have been so public with everything and after everything we have gone through, I want this little girl to enter this world as peacefully as possible. I have been getting through the days alright really; I suppose. I missed you tonight, when we were riding in our old jeep to the restaurant. Bye Bye Little Sad House! We Have a New Home! - ROCKSTAR RONAN They both asked if I was sure. ! because thats what I totally felt like. Can you believe that shit?! No way could it really be a girl. Goodnight, mommy. 10 on Billboard Rock albums chart. She sent me a picture of it today. Anybody that says otherwise, can fuck off. on I Dont Know What To Expect When ImExpecting. A water for me. Its about helping other people as much as I can and in anyway that I can in this totally fucked up world where I cannot even see Christmas lights properly because they are always so blurry from my falling tears. I will be thankful for those moments. Your brothers. I beg over and over in my head. We are also going to meet up with my friend, Scott Kennedy, from Solving Kids Cancer, another really great organization that is based out of New York. Everyone needs to check them out. The cancer had not spread and was confined to just that one area. I am trying to get excited about Poppy, but all I can focus on is not having you physically here to be a part of her life. I saw your Sparky yesterday. Throw in a traumatic death of a child on top of it and its a freaking party now! I am not perfect. I just want to sit and cry, so I do. Thats how I like it., Him: I know you insist on doing allthese things alone, but its not the way it should be. Me: Ill bet nothing bad ever happens here., Your daddy: That is not true. I hope they taste as good as they look. There is no other way to explain how that man knows the darkest parts of my soul and heart, yet he is not afraid. I love you. I looked for me 3 boys in my bed, but I only saw two. Not even his witty remark made me giggle. This is all for now. OMG. I still get mad a lot but I find that I am not as reactive with my anger. I am doing this to protect myself because I already know I am going to need the time. Ronan. It seems to completely throw them all off. This never works, but I will continue to try for the rest of my life. I have a ton more to write about, but I have to get ready for this little Skype interview set up that I am doing. This baby girl, is going to have so many beautiful aunties. Ive learned to become the ultimate pain hider. Thankful for the opportunity to continue talking about Ronan, Taylor, childhood cancer, and the horrifically hard world of bereavedparents. I don't have any idea who that is." I looked up at Mr. Sparkly Eyes, and yes, his eyes still sparkle. Yes. Ronan. Then perfect little boy Ronan. We still havent seen too many people as we are still just trying to take our time and get used to this new little life. You were the best thing thats ever been mine. Your birthday is the same day as Mothers Day. Your brothers happiness is proof of that. Wouldnt every mama walk to the end of the earth to make sure their childs legacy lives on? 31 on Billboard 200 and No. I cant wait to see you at the finish line! Its a baby girl. I watched his eyes light up in a way that his often do, when he is truly happy. Because he is the best daddy ever, he will. Her little face is all filled out. Ronan. I buried my head in her shoulder trying to control myself. She is surviving all while making this world a better place. Surgery was done, to remove what was there. Im so lucky to have her, Ro. Nobody wants to take care of you because youve been so mean. Ron Starr - Wikipedia They make the raddest tee shirts out there. I peeked through our kitchen window from the outside of our house before going in. I came home and fell into a deep sleep. WTF. Ronan. We went to dinner. Just throw a few raccoons my way. I picked up Starbucks. That somehow by doing everything I am doing, this pain will someday become less and maybe someday, I wont miss you so much that it hurts this badly, all of the time. The fact that I still dont really feel all giddy and excited about this baby, scares me a little bit. I dont want to sit and punch things or hurt myself. Once in a formal setting and once again, outside of her office. The Ronan Thompson Foundation - ROCKSTAR RONAN We sat for a while longer and caught up. I would like to rip its face off with my bare hands. I dont know if I could handle this without Macy by my side. THANK YOU. Ive been telling myself all day this is somebodys elses life and not my own. I often feel like after you died, we should have just up and moved to freaking Australia or somewhere crazy. He made me promise that I would rest and put my feet up. I should have been his, for much more than almost 4 years. I dont think Ive ever seen a raccoon in Arizona before. The one where I was watching that little girl play in all the clothes racks. But it still feels a little like a betrayal to you. Its all so unfair. For as much as I can say all I care about is a healthy baby, the truth is, a little girl would mean so much mainly for the fact that you wanted a baby sister. Handing her your Rocard. Cant a vampire/zombie catch a break around here? And I keep reminding your daddy that yes, that is right, but it is also because you thought you were going to be here to help take care of him or her and be the best big brother ever. Ronan. Oh, Ive also been taking the best care ever of your Poppy sister 24/7. July 28, 2011 - ROCKSTAR RONAN Glenda says: July 28, 2011 . I dont understand how even watching your daddy and brothers, watch football is normal now. I have taught myself it is better to go into something not expecting a thing that way less disappointments occur. Does it start with baby steps while everyday, kids are just being murdered, left and right? So loudly I was sure that everyone in the room was going to hear it. Bad things happen everywhere., Me: Well, Ill bet kids dont get cancer and die here. I am still pretty sick. I got to see her on an 3-D ultra sound on Tuesday. Its been a few days since Ive really cried and I guess Ive been holding a lot in by distracting myself and being so busy. Our weekly little catch up that means everything to me. We dont have many plans for the weekend. Not crying. A couple of things dawned on me tonight after I dropped by dinner to your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. Im a mom whose heart is broken into a million pieces because this little boy, was mine. But I just promised him I would try instead. I wont tell you everything they did to him, because I feel like I have to protect you. I was told I was in fact not having a mid life crisis, that everything I am feeling is just due to losing you which I of course already knew, but it was nice to hear it from a rational person. Ronan. I know I love it, but I also know it will never take the place of you. I know I used the word unfair through my tears. Through her tears she told me she was sorry, but how proud she was of all the things we are doing. They said they wanted to help find a cure for cancer and know I would put it to good use. Holy smokes I was blown away! I was in a world that I normally dont live in anymore. I will not ever forget the way you were treated like a lab rat by supposedly one of the best doctors in the world. I dont even know what I said but Im sure I was on one of my usual rants about F U Cancer to him. Finally, someone you can do all those girly things with that you love doing. I set it out for Stacy to pick up to give to Fernanda to let her work her magic. Sweet dreams, baby doll. Ive been really busy. But staying home this week has made me realize that I am beyond wiped out, carrying a real life baby, and almost starting my 3rd trimester. I cannot believe all the little blessings you are putting in our lives. I fucking hate 2 a.m. 2 a.m. blows. We were invited to a lunch that at a house that lasted much of the day. Shes very eager which I like. My eyes started to tear up and I just said, Because I dont know where my child is. That is how I feel. Lots to do but all I really want to do is be busy taking care of you. They so want to help with our mission and were so touched by our story that they created this show called Emotional Mojo. I just miss Ronan so much, all the time, thats all. He knows that. We went over the ultrasound and all of Poppys measurements which look perfect. I know this lesson they are learning in life and about your story will shape them in a way that they will go on to do amazing things. It was my best Thanksgiving, ever. The picture came on the screen. I will forever go on searching for you in this messed up world full of things that dont make sense. I know you will be a part of her, Ronan, but not in the way I want or you want. What a fucking joke. And I hurt for my friend who had to bury her child who was pretty much an adult. He simply responded with an, I miss him. I read his words Ronan and FUCK. My foggy grief brain still makes a lot of my memories of you, hard to remember. Nothing in the world will ever taste as good, smell as good, or feel as good as it did when you were here with me. Ronan. I wonder how comethe wholewide world doesnt feel this way, too. NOWHERE. We had such an amazing turn out and I felt like I was floating in a sea of purple the entire day. I pick up and say hello to our favorite lovie and I give him my best Im not crying or sick voice I can. We have days that we still trip, stumble and fall. Are people really not aware or are we just plain being ignored? I hope you are safe. I told him I would, but only because he told me to do so. It was Dr. Schwartz telling me that she just got the flu shot in and she was highly recommending that I get one. Of course it is a Star Wars theme. I can do a city, all alone, and badass, any other month, but not this month. #cryingallday. Only my Dr. Bronner Magic Soap that I am obsessed with could have gotten me into that store and I was totally out, otherwise I would have aborted mission. Starting from before you diagnoses to the months after. Happy Birthday pic for our Mr. Sparkly Eyes | Maya Thompson - Flickr In a room full of scientists, doctors, researchers.. all there for pediatric cancer. WTF asshole mother fucker who thought I could handle all of this. You have no idea how glad I am you didnt listen to me on that one. I love you. They just handed me over a key, and voila! I dont think she knew quite what to make of me. Again, but not always. A long talk with Mr. Sparkly eyes, an email from my Mrs. All day long when I am rocking her in your bedroom and she is looking all around. I dont tolerate it. Lying in bed for the past year, would not have made you proud. How I miss the simple days of chasing you around. Fuck. It saw some of the most concentrated and bloodiest fights at the first world war . I read your blog every day and as a father your strength and love is simply amazing!! I just miss him so much., I could see the way his eyes were starting to form tears as he said to me, You just spent the past week talking all about Ronan in New York. I know you will. Today, I didnt see anything I liked and I just wanted to rip everything off of the racks. I love you. Thanks for nothing, White House. - ROCKSTAR RONAN 4 boys but there should have been 6. This will be your legacy, Ronan. We WILL get to the White House to make them fight harder for our kids who are dealing with cancer. Fernanda came up with the brilliant idea to find an actual mannequin and dress him up like Captain Rex to look like he is playing next to the tree. They dont have a clue as to what they can tell me about this time around. Because I do. My days are mostly spent taking care of her while continuing to fight for you and all that was stolen from us. You were a child. I asked your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. Not to mention the fact that he is deliciously handsome, insanely talented, and I could just stop and melt right here. Most of our weekends are low key. Fucking cancer. I dont know if this made me feel better, but I appreciated her taking the time to talk about the questions I have. I am so overwhelmed with every aspect in my life right now that I feel like a breakdown might be in order, just because I fucking deserve one. How awesome would that be? We talked about New York for a bit. But the most important thing is he is someone who loved you so much, Ronan. It has nothing to do with science. I have the best doctor I know in Omaha at the ER waiting for you. Taylor Swift - ROCKSTAR RONAN My mind is always wandering to where you would be sitting, what you would be eating, how beautiful your little face would have looked lit up by the flickering of the candlelight. The thought of that, put a smile on my face. Through my sadness, grief, pain. Sometimes not. on 2 a.m. Insomnia Parties With A Raccoon and ACat. Your daddy never knows what hes going to get with me. I was always so thankful for what we had. Im sorry for everything. Today, was not a day I expected at all. He is the last person I told today. Ronans gone. Gnite. I will never understand this. Mr. Sparkly Eyes called. I'm landing close to midnight.